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"I've only lived 18 years, but I don't want to change any of them. They're all part of my life, even the failures." -Makise Kurisu
Today has been an interesting day. Yeah, interesting is the best word for it. My original plan today was to hangout with my best friend and watch Your Lie in April and absolutely fantastic anime about a child piano prodigy. She unfortunately wasn't feeling well so I used today to get some stuff done and just be by myself. It's been a while since I've done that. Between work, family, school, and my friends I haven't just been by myself for awhile now and I didn't realize just how much I needed that. I was able to recharge my mental and emotional batteries and listened to a lot of slower and more somber songs. One of which being The Real Me by Andrew Stein.
This song has always resonated with me. At some points in my life more so than others, but today was the first time it really sank in. There are very few people that i would consider that I'm truly myself with. I would imagine that's true for most everyone though. We all act differently depending on the situation. From school to family to work to the general public everyone dons a different persona to make interactions go as smoothly as possible. I'm no different. At the same time though wouldn't it be appropriate to say we constantly reject a certain aspect of ourselves at any given moment? At any point in time we feel we have to repress a part of our true self to fit into the environment we find ourselves in. Which would also lead to the conclusion that people are very rarely their true selves. Take me for instance. Most people would say I'm rather shy and quiet in school. I don't speak out in class too often and when I do it's usually quick and short blurbs. When I'm with my family, every single word I say is calculated. Before I even begin to speak I run through my head every possible scenario that could stem from what I'm about to say. When I'm with my friends I will shout out any little thing that comes to mind and not care what the hell happens afterward. When I'm by myself I think about this kind of stuff and usually torture myself over all the little shit I did wrong in the past week. So when can someone truly be themselves? When can anyone show every last shred of their personality and being? If I only knew. My best friend is the person I am the closest too and she has gotten the closest to seeing the "real me", but even she hasn't seen everything and it's getting more and more tiring to keep up all of this different masks. I'm tired of keeping quiet, of constantly planning everything I say, of not being able to show my friends a part of me that's becoming more and more important. I'm also terrified of what will happen. What if I say something in class that get's spread throughout campus, what if a off handed remark leads to a fight with my sister's and I say things I can't take back? What if the rest of my friends aren't as accepting and I lose them? At the very least I know the last one is nothing to worry about, but fear is a force that can paralyze the best of us.
2 Comments
10/18/2018 04:18:50 pm
KEEP THE BLOGS COMING, I AM A FAN. How power is the tongue? The Bible I read says Life and Death are in the tongue. I heard a motivational speaker say, "Fear is so strong that the richest places on the earth will surprise you. Meaning it is not fort knox, banks, or places where they store rubies. The richest place is the graveyard because all the should have, could of, and inventions we will never know were taken to the grave some based on fear." GREAT BLOG
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Sabatino
10/19/2018 11:04:24 am
I appreciate reading this additional blog post. I see your blog emerging in a way that present your identity...which is appropriate considering the content of this particular post. I also appreciate the discussion here about sense of self and language usage as they relate to context—concepts we’ve been exploring in this course. I agree with Freddie...keep these posts coming...
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Nick D'AversaWriter, outstandingly good at mouthing along to songs, level 9 Dragonborn Blood Hunter, and just trying to figure out what in the hell I'm doing. Archives
February 2019
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