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"I've only lived 18 years, but I don't want to change any of them. They're all part of my life, even the failures." -Makise Kurisu
So quick side note before we get started, I fucking love Digimon. I watched the various shows religiously as a kid and I've gotten back into it with the most recent two games (which are outstanding and great turned based RPG games) so that's where the idea for this series of blogs comes from. In the original show there are eight crests representing eight values, Courage, Friendship, Love, Knowledge, Sincerity, Reliability, Hope, and Light (they are also my newest necklace set because why not). The last one not so much a value in the traditional sense, but can still be interpreted as such. So I thought in the middle of class today, hey I like sharing the thoughts in my head (here and here) and I've definitely have thoughts on these so why not right about them? I'm going to go in order listed above so without further ado let's talk about courage.
Courage is a weird thing. A courageous act to one person can be seen as a reckless/stupid one to another and sometimes to a third person as a cowardly one. Let's look as this example. Say you see a friend in trouble, whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, whatever someone you know is in trouble in someway shape or form and you know trying to help them will but you in danger as well, what's the courageous thing to do? Do you go and help them even though you might get hurt as well. but isn't that a reckless action that could make the situation worse? Okay so you instead go get someone better suited to handle the situation because your recognize that you aren't the best person to handle this situation, well now you're possibly leaving a friend alone and walking away you coward. Maybe the situation is that your friend is doing something illegal. Is the courageous thing to confront them upfront about it or to tell the authorities. Well now aren't you either butting into a situation you aren't involved in or being a snitch and possibly ruining a friends life or at the very least their faith and trust in you. So what in the hell is courage? To me courage is all of that. It's helping and not helping a friend. It's confronting a friend about a problem or telling the people that need to know. It's making the tough decisions that no one else can, will, or wants to make. It's recognizing when you need to swallow your pride and confront a part of you head on. It's admitting you're not equipped to handle a situation and getting someone who can. It's choosing to help someone when no one else can or will. Courage is admitting you need help and you aren't invincible. Courage is admitting you are losing against your inner demons and asking for help. Courage is admitting you can be wounded and need a pick me up. Courage is talking about the shit going wrong in your life. Courage is asking for help. Courage is not holding all of that in. Courage is not shouldering the world. Courage is not fighting by yourself. Courage is not taking everything on by yourself so other people don't deal with your baggage. Courage is in all of us. Even small bits. It comes out when it needs to know, but not always when we want it to. Running isn't cowardice, admitting you need help isn't weak, saying that I'm not strong enough for this isn't pathetic. Courage isn't black and white. A courageous act by one person in a different scenario could be seen as a reckless one. A courageous act can be as small asking that person out, admitting you need to go back to school, admitting you aren't as happy as you make yourself out to be, or admitting you took on too much at once and you need to drop something.
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Today has been an interesting day. Yeah, interesting is the best word for it. My original plan today was to hangout with my best friend and watch Your Lie in April and absolutely fantastic anime about a child piano prodigy. She unfortunately wasn't feeling well so I used today to get some stuff done and just be by myself. It's been a while since I've done that. Between work, family, school, and my friends I haven't just been by myself for awhile now and I didn't realize just how much I needed that. I was able to recharge my mental and emotional batteries and listened to a lot of slower and more somber songs. One of which being The Real Me by Andrew Stein.
This song has always resonated with me. At some points in my life more so than others, but today was the first time it really sank in. There are very few people that i would consider that I'm truly myself with. I would imagine that's true for most everyone though. We all act differently depending on the situation. From school to family to work to the general public everyone dons a different persona to make interactions go as smoothly as possible. I'm no different. At the same time though wouldn't it be appropriate to say we constantly reject a certain aspect of ourselves at any given moment? At any point in time we feel we have to repress a part of our true self to fit into the environment we find ourselves in. Which would also lead to the conclusion that people are very rarely their true selves. Take me for instance. Most people would say I'm rather shy and quiet in school. I don't speak out in class too often and when I do it's usually quick and short blurbs. When I'm with my family, every single word I say is calculated. Before I even begin to speak I run through my head every possible scenario that could stem from what I'm about to say. When I'm with my friends I will shout out any little thing that comes to mind and not care what the hell happens afterward. When I'm by myself I think about this kind of stuff and usually torture myself over all the little shit I did wrong in the past week. So when can someone truly be themselves? When can anyone show every last shred of their personality and being? If I only knew. My best friend is the person I am the closest too and she has gotten the closest to seeing the "real me", but even she hasn't seen everything and it's getting more and more tiring to keep up all of this different masks. I'm tired of keeping quiet, of constantly planning everything I say, of not being able to show my friends a part of me that's becoming more and more important. I'm also terrified of what will happen. What if I say something in class that get's spread throughout campus, what if a off handed remark leads to a fight with my sister's and I say things I can't take back? What if the rest of my friends aren't as accepting and I lose them? At the very least I know the last one is nothing to worry about, but fear is a force that can paralyze the best of us. |
Nick D'AversaWriter, outstandingly good at mouthing along to songs, level 9 Dragonborn Blood Hunter, and just trying to figure out what in the hell I'm doing. Archives
February 2019
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