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"I've only lived 18 years, but I don't want to change any of them. They're all part of my life, even the failures." -Makise Kurisu
God damn I miss Final Fantasy XIV guild. I miss them a whole fucking lot. With the recent announcement of the latest expansion Shadow Bringers I've gotten to reminiscing about my time in Eorzea and the people that I spent it with. So in no particular order let's reminisce together about the lovable group of colorful characters that I called guildmates.
Haylee Heavensong: I know I said no particular order, but they were the first one to invite me to the guild in the first place. Now they're unique because it's one character controlled by a husband and wife. Never did figure out which one contacted me. I had posted somewhere that I was looking for a group of people to play with the the party finder for the games first dungeon was not helping. They sent me a message, got a few other members to help clear the dungeon, and sent me a friend request afterwards along with a invite to the in-game chat room they shared with other English speaking guilds (ended up on a Japanese server by accident). Wanna say within two weeks I asked to join the guild and was met with open arms. If they hadn't responded to my random post than I doubt I would've stuck with the game. Thanks for showing me the ropes Haylees you don't know how grateful I am. Cap'ir Ke: This dude was a fucking trip and during the time he was playing FFXIV (hasn't been on in years unfortunately) was one of my best friends online. He was always up for helping me clear dungeons and trials. Showed me how a lot of systems worked and how to change my UI to my liking. The biggest thing he ever did though was after I had finished the main story. Everyone was gearing up to fight the new raid that had just come out and while I had it unlocked I didn't have strong enough gear to do it. He just gave me handcrafted gear that he made, for free. Told everyone to give him 15 minutes while he did. Now while a seemingly insignificant thing in the grand scheme it meant the world to me cause it showed that these people do care and wanted me to have fun with them. I miss this guy a lot and still a little sad whenever I see that his character is still not active in my friends list. Lee Shusheng: If there was ever a party happening or their wasn't a party happening you could bet your ass the Lee Shusheng was at the center of it. This was another one of my best friends in game (that ended up switching servers after an extended period away). The first time I met Lee was at a bar in game that I had a quest at. He was there dancing on the table, in pink underwear and nothing else, telling the guild leader that this was his power move and would win the hearts of everyone in the guild. He then proceeded to chase (think it was tag) the leader around the area screaming that he will show his true strength as everyone laughed their asses off in chat. Lee is the purest definition of a wild card +4. He always showed up to raids and dungeons in the most bizarre outfits, usually pants-less, and was the type of random humor that was actually funny. The day I saw him in the bar was my first full day as a member of the guild and I new I made the right choice. Lee was right their with Cap'ir for a lot of dungeon clears for me and had some insane knowledge on bosses. We timed out in a dungeon (we cleared it already) cause Lee decided that before we left we should have a victory dance party. Dungeons give you 90 minutes to clear them. That dance party lasted for 50 minutes. Valia Rosa: The original leader of Harmonium and the quintessential mother of the group. Had as many alts as she was allowed to have. All had varying levels, races, and personalities. RPed every chance she had to and got right down to brass tax when it came to clearing the high end raids. I owe a lot to her. Good clan mates are one thing and are incredibly important, but if you have a shit leader than they can only do so much. Val was the absolute best and was so forgiving of my sporadic playtime and pleads for help. Part of me think it was because I was the youngest member at the time (17 when I joined) and she had a kid of her own she tried to get to play a bunch. It was most likely cause she's just a super awesome person. It was sad to see her transfer to another server but I'm sure she's happy to have other RPers around her. Sara Goldmoon: The current leader of Harmonium and the best damn White Mage you'll ever find. She was another one that I felt always had an eye on me. She was always willing to jump into dungeons with me and explain shit when Cap and Lee were off dancing in the corner. A wealth of knowledge and a master at the art of leveling EVERY CLASS in the game to the max. She took over the reigns as leaders seamlessly. While there was a leader in-between them I think that has to do with how close she was to Val (they got married in game after all). Just all around a super nice person and one the best members of the guild. Virgo Memelan: The wise and weird uncle of the group. Lee showed up to raids in weird gear Virgo would show up in the basic form of classes and still be on the top players. Another player willing to jump into a dungeon to help out any of the new players (usually because he's run the endgame activities into the ground) . Usually the one to come up with unique races to have with other guilds through dungeons. Virgo was the grand master Summoner I tried to learn from and was one of the reasons I dropped Black Mage for it in the first place. Tiritiri Minimini: Name says it all folks. She is just a ball of energy and someone I could easily visualize jumping up and down in their seat as they typed stuff. First to say hello as I log in and the first to say goodbye when I leave. It's pretty hard to stay in a bad mood once Tiri starts talking. Catalina Feloneous and Nekomata Tejas: Each have hit the alt character limit on our server and each use all of them (usually with in the same day) and all of Cat's characters' names are within one letter of each other. They're the only two people I know that work on a ranch specifically a horse ranch if I remember correctly. Another wife and husband duo respectively and two of the sweetest people you'll meet. I'm not a hundred percent on the being in southern US, but they have the hospitality to make me think so. Every time they log on there's some kind of story about the ranch and they usually swap out playing and working with one another. They're the relationship goals of the FC. Zeno, Leeby, Stormis, Hex, Rumina, and everyone else: I could go on forever about the people in my guild, but seeing how it's 1 am and I have class in 8 hours I should stop. I miss all of these guys so much. It's been like not seeing really close friends for months. Unfortunately due to monetary constraints I haven't been able to jump on in about half a year, but I'm hoping with me possibly switching departments at work and summer slowing coming up that'll I'll have the time and money to do so. I could also just make this as part of my birthday gift to myself, but that'll depend on the paychecks this month.
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So quick side note before we get started, I fucking love Digimon. I watched the various shows religiously as a kid and I've gotten back into it with the most recent two games (which are outstanding and great turned based RPG games) so that's where the idea for this series of blogs comes from. In the original show there are eight crests representing eight values, Courage, Friendship, Love, Knowledge, Sincerity, Reliability, Hope, and Light (they are also my newest necklace set because why not). The last one not so much a value in the traditional sense, but can still be interpreted as such. So I thought in the middle of class today, hey I like sharing the thoughts in my head (here and here) and I've definitely have thoughts on these so why not right about them? I'm going to go in order listed above so without further ado let's talk about courage.
Courage is a weird thing. A courageous act to one person can be seen as a reckless/stupid one to another and sometimes to a third person as a cowardly one. Let's look as this example. Say you see a friend in trouble, whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, whatever someone you know is in trouble in someway shape or form and you know trying to help them will but you in danger as well, what's the courageous thing to do? Do you go and help them even though you might get hurt as well. but isn't that a reckless action that could make the situation worse? Okay so you instead go get someone better suited to handle the situation because your recognize that you aren't the best person to handle this situation, well now you're possibly leaving a friend alone and walking away you coward. Maybe the situation is that your friend is doing something illegal. Is the courageous thing to confront them upfront about it or to tell the authorities. Well now aren't you either butting into a situation you aren't involved in or being a snitch and possibly ruining a friends life or at the very least their faith and trust in you. So what in the hell is courage? To me courage is all of that. It's helping and not helping a friend. It's confronting a friend about a problem or telling the people that need to know. It's making the tough decisions that no one else can, will, or wants to make. It's recognizing when you need to swallow your pride and confront a part of you head on. It's admitting you're not equipped to handle a situation and getting someone who can. It's choosing to help someone when no one else can or will. Courage is admitting you need help and you aren't invincible. Courage is admitting you are losing against your inner demons and asking for help. Courage is admitting you can be wounded and need a pick me up. Courage is talking about the shit going wrong in your life. Courage is asking for help. Courage is not holding all of that in. Courage is not shouldering the world. Courage is not fighting by yourself. Courage is not taking everything on by yourself so other people don't deal with your baggage. Courage is in all of us. Even small bits. It comes out when it needs to know, but not always when we want it to. Running isn't cowardice, admitting you need help isn't weak, saying that I'm not strong enough for this isn't pathetic. Courage isn't black and white. A courageous act by one person in a different scenario could be seen as a reckless one. A courageous act can be as small asking that person out, admitting you need to go back to school, admitting you aren't as happy as you make yourself out to be, or admitting you took on too much at once and you need to drop something. Today has been an interesting day. Yeah, interesting is the best word for it. My original plan today was to hangout with my best friend and watch Your Lie in April and absolutely fantastic anime about a child piano prodigy. She unfortunately wasn't feeling well so I used today to get some stuff done and just be by myself. It's been a while since I've done that. Between work, family, school, and my friends I haven't just been by myself for awhile now and I didn't realize just how much I needed that. I was able to recharge my mental and emotional batteries and listened to a lot of slower and more somber songs. One of which being The Real Me by Andrew Stein.
This song has always resonated with me. At some points in my life more so than others, but today was the first time it really sank in. There are very few people that i would consider that I'm truly myself with. I would imagine that's true for most everyone though. We all act differently depending on the situation. From school to family to work to the general public everyone dons a different persona to make interactions go as smoothly as possible. I'm no different. At the same time though wouldn't it be appropriate to say we constantly reject a certain aspect of ourselves at any given moment? At any point in time we feel we have to repress a part of our true self to fit into the environment we find ourselves in. Which would also lead to the conclusion that people are very rarely their true selves. Take me for instance. Most people would say I'm rather shy and quiet in school. I don't speak out in class too often and when I do it's usually quick and short blurbs. When I'm with my family, every single word I say is calculated. Before I even begin to speak I run through my head every possible scenario that could stem from what I'm about to say. When I'm with my friends I will shout out any little thing that comes to mind and not care what the hell happens afterward. When I'm by myself I think about this kind of stuff and usually torture myself over all the little shit I did wrong in the past week. So when can someone truly be themselves? When can anyone show every last shred of their personality and being? If I only knew. My best friend is the person I am the closest too and she has gotten the closest to seeing the "real me", but even she hasn't seen everything and it's getting more and more tiring to keep up all of this different masks. I'm tired of keeping quiet, of constantly planning everything I say, of not being able to show my friends a part of me that's becoming more and more important. I'm also terrified of what will happen. What if I say something in class that get's spread throughout campus, what if a off handed remark leads to a fight with my sister's and I say things I can't take back? What if the rest of my friends aren't as accepting and I lose them? At the very least I know the last one is nothing to worry about, but fear is a force that can paralyze the best of us. Links:
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Nick D'AversaWriter, outstandingly good at mouthing along to songs, level 9 Dragonborn Blood Hunter, and just trying to figure out what in the hell I'm doing. Archives
February 2019
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